MONROE, CT – With a world pandemic entering it’s fifth month, the Monroe Board of Education met to discuss plans for the beginning of the school year this fall.
The meeting took place over video call, as it is not safe for a small group of board members to meet in person.
“I think it is essential that we send our kids back to school,” said one board member. “Sure, it’s not safe for 15 adults capable of social distancing or sitting outside to meet in person now, but I’m sure it will be completely safe to send children to be packed inside a building with no air conditioning.”
The board laid out plans which included numerous phases, accounting for what would happen should an outbreak begin.
However, the board also discussed one issue in particular which raised some concern.
“Why don’t we just get a bunch of samples of COVID-19, and inject it into all of the students?” asked one board member. “It would be far more efficient than having kids go to school for months to get it. It’s going to happen anyway, why not just save everyone the paranoia?”
The suggestion was met with a mostly positive response from the board, with most members supporting the idea.
“We could also put samples of the virus into the cafeteria food,” suggested another member. “Or, we could put it in the soap dispensers in the bathrooms.”
While these additional suggestions are creative, other members pointed out that they may not be as effective.
“Sure, the kids won’t notice that it’s in the food because it already tastes bad as it is, but they definitely will notice if it’s in the soap dispensers – those things are always empty, don’t you think it would be suspicious if suddenly they all were fully stocked?”
After a lengthy debate on the best method to deliver samples of COVID-19 to the students, the board decided the best way would be to simply require all students to receive a shot of the virus prior to attending school.
“We know the kids, and their families, will already be at a tremendous risk if we send them back to school normally. So, we might as well just get it over with and give the kids the virus so we can move to a virtual learning setting faster. Remote learning is great, teachers get to relax and not teach.”
Some town residents expressed concern over the safety of the children, however their concerns were quickly dismissed.
“At the end of the day, who cares about the kids. I’m just here so I can feel like I have some amount of power.”
Contact the Monroe Board of Ed at (203) 452-2860.
The Monroe Son 